Sidestep Power Struggles jenandcompany.com

Perfectly Jen,Project Parenting

Tips for Sidestepping Power Struggles with Spirited Kiddos

1 Nov , 2014  

Sidestep Power Struggles jenandcompany.com

My kids and I are all on what I like to call the spirited spectrum.  Meaning that we are each spirited in different ways and to varying degrees.  Are you familiar with the term spirited?  It was first coined by the brilliant and heroic education expert, Mary Sheedy Kurcinka, Ed.D. in her super insightful book, Raising Your Spirited Child.  This book was born out of Mary’s own search for a better description of her amazingly bright AND highly sensitive and persistent son.  Having been raised herself in the kids should be seen and not heard era the only terms to describe kids like her son were all negative, including: defiant, stubborn, difficult, the list goes on, but none of it good.  She knew this wasn’t true.  While her son was slow to transition and quick to express frustration he was also kind, loving, creative, thoughtful and enthusiastic.  She needed a definition that acknowledged the challenges and celebrating her kiddo’s strengths at the same time.  And that, is how she came up with using the word, spirited.  I love it!  The labels we use impact how our children feel about themselves, as well, how we and others feel about them.  It is so key to focus on the positive and help our beautiful little peeps feel like the superstars they already are!

Spirited: full of energy, enthusiasm, and determination. “a spirited campaigner for women’s rights”
Synonyms: lively, vivacious, vibrant, full of life, vital, sparkling, energetic, dynamic, active, enthusiastic, passionate
While my kids and I are all spirited in our own ways, this is really a conversation about my relationship with my daughter, Milena.  As a newbie mom staying home with my beautiful little daughter, I had next to zero experience with babies and obviously nothing on my resume in terms of being a mom.  This adorable little bundle was lifting her head up to look around in.the.delivery.room.  She rolled over at 8 DAYS.  She did everything with gusto, including, spitting up.  I am talking projectile here, people.  She jumped out of her crib at 6 months and hurdled herself to the floor.  I had no idea what I was in for.  But, by the time she was about 2 years old, I was already looking for some guidance.  I could tell I had a kid who was more in every sense of the word.
Let me tell you something…In my experience, spirited kids don’t just fall out of the sky.  I am just saying, if your kid is a bit intense, there is a chance that you might be too.  If you are not, at all…then it could be that the following three life lessons might not apply, but maybe, just read them anyway, you know, in case.

1. Own It

When I start engaging in a struggle with my daughter over say, brushing her hair in the morning before school, I can feel my blood pressure literally rising as the situation escalates.  I catch myself thinking, “Why in the heck can you not. just. brush. your. hair?!!  Just brush it!  Like, RIGHT NOW.  In the time we have been struggling over this, it could have been done.”  I brush my hair.  Everyone with hair has to BRUSH THEIR HAIR (unless it is really short, but we aren’t talking about them).  Does this sound familiar?  If so, listen up.  Yes, this type of behavior is frustrating.  Yes, life would be easier if your little human would brush her hair without all the drama.  However, there is a flip side here.  Stop and image one of the more mellow people you know.  Really picture this person.  Mine is sweet Mrs. Kelly, my daughter’s Kindergarten teacher.  Would this person be screaming?  Would she be stomping around completely beside herself?  Would she be threatening to take away toys and privileges?  I am just wondering…hmm.  In my case, the answer is no.  Mrs. Kelly would assess the situation calmly.  She would decide if it was worth the struggle.  If it was a necessary task, she would likely try to figure out what the protest was about and address it.  In the end, my daughter would either do what was required or experience a logical consequence for not doing it.  There would be no yelling, no random unrealistic “you are grounded forever” type threats and no taking it personally.  Now, I can’t speak for Mrs. Kelly, but she is more of a symbol of a better approach, so for the sake of example, I will assume that she would not be feeling victimized or disrespected, because she would know that Milena’s behavior has nothing to do with her.  IT ISN’T PERSONAL.  She is not setting out to make life difficult for anyone on purpose.

So, I say, let’s ask ourselves, “If we took some of the emotion out of the situation and didn’t see it as a plot to make us late to school and work, would we be happier?”  While it is not easy and I have many slip ups, I feel much better (calmer, more relaxed and happier) when I let go and step back.  When I remember that it isn’t personal and that I fiercely love my little girl.  It helps to remind myself that I am spirited too.  She isn’t the only one reacting extra strongly to the situation.  She is the beautiful little kid she is partly because I am her equally persistent, enthusiastic and sensitive mom.

Remember too, these types of relationships take a lot of effort and self-control, so you need to be up for the challenge.  So take care of your awesome self by eating well, exercising, getting enough sleep, doing fun things and focusing on recharging your battery.  A tired, cranky mommy + a spirited kid = disaster.  Don’t even go there, girlfriend!

 

2. Mutual Respect

Adding to the tip above, I think it is so important to remember that respect is a two-way street.  It is easy to get caught up in the idea that life is full of hierarchies and that simply by being in authority as parents we are entitled to respect.  Old school ideas focus on kids being either respectful (saying and doing what they are supposed to, complying with directives) or disrespectful (speaking out of turn, not doing cores when asked, having tantrums).  I would rather have the kind of respect that people like Gandhi earned.  The respect that comes from my kiddo seeing me as a role model of the type of values I say I believe in.  Respect cannot be forced.  Have you ever had a boss that made you feel like you didn’t matter?  That your needs were unimportant?  That the work you did, even all the extra time and effort, was just a given?  How did you feel about that person?  Did you want to go the extra mile?  Did you want to see her succeed?  Or did you secretly think about leaving that job the first chance you got?  Maybe even feeling a little delighted that it would come as a surprise to your ungrateful boss and leave her without the support you had been thanklessly providing for years.

This is how I think kids can feel to varying degrees if we have a do as I say approach to parenting.  We are all humans, obviously.  Which means that we all have our own thoughts and feelings (again stating the obvious).  While I see myself as a boss because I am a mom, I also remember that I will have more authority and influence if I am respectful of my kids and value their thoughts and feelings as well.  Is that the kind of boss I would want?  Um…yes.

So, when I am rested and I haven’t overbooked myself and I have the presences of mind to be intentional, I am waaaay more likely to sidestep power struggles with my daughter.  Instead of wondering, “How dare she?  Doesn’t she know how this will impact me?  Now we are all going to be late because she doesn’t listen to the boss!”, I try to think about what she might be going through.  Why isn’t she brushing her?  Why is she getting so upset?  I try ask questions and look for a mutually agreeable solution instead of forcing my schedule and my will on her like a tyrannical supervisor.

Often, when I stop to ask questions, the situation starts to deescalate.  As soon as Milena feels like I actually care about why she is struggling, she starts to feel heard and we can both set down our battle gear.  Sometimes the solution is easy.  I had no idea that brush hurt her head when she tried to use it.  I find another brush and the problem is solved.  Or, I find out she is in a fight with a friend at school, and the hair brushing issue  is a stall tactic because she is afraid to go to school.  Other times, she didn’t get a good nights sleep and her coping skills are just lower because of the sleeplessness, who knew?  Not me.  Why?  Because I didn’t ask.  Because I was too focused on whether or not my authority was being challenged to think about where she was coming from.

R-E-S-P-E-C-T, we all want it.  Amen!

 

3.  Collaboration

Alright now, STOP. COLLABORATE. and LISTEN.  Thanks, MC Hammer for the wise words of advice.  Another key to sidestepping power struggles is to remember the end goal of parenting.  The end goal is to send a young adult out into the world who has learned to be responsible and independent.  A youngster who has internalized core values of kindness, respect for others, honesty and all the other good stuff we want for them.  They can only gain these skills and grow into upstanding citizens through practice, the ability to exercise age appropriate judgement, and through the self confidence that comes from being raised with love and respect.

This growth and skill development is best fostered in a Democracy.  In a Democracy there is still a leader, but ideally that leader, let’s call her Mrs. President, listens to the will of the people and works in collaboration with the populous to create a nation governed by rules either created by or at least vetted by the citizens. What am I talking about?  I mean that mutual respect is just an empty ideal unless it is consistently backed up with action. It isn’t enough to say you respect someone. You have to show it with your behavior.  What makes you feel respected?  For me, it is when I feel that someone cared enough to listen to my point of view. Or that someone remembered my likes and dislikes and took them into account when making a decision that would impact me. It shows up in how someone talks to me when I am around AND about me when I am not.  Kids need to feel heard and need to know that their opinions matter. They want to influence the rules they live by.  Don’t we all?  It is human nature.  I know when I feel that arbitrary rules are being thrust upon me I become instantly irritated and ready to engage in a power struggle.
On the other hand, if I am asked for input regarding a new policy at work or if I am free to, you know, vote on the president of my nation I am a much happier member of my society.  Even just deciding which pizza place to order from on a Friday night makes me gleeful.  Are there ways that you foster growth and independence in your kids by telling them what needs to be done (brush your hair) and then letting them decide on or influence the how (use their favorite hair brush and listen to a song while they brush)?  Do you show respect for your kid by listening to her concerns and looking for win-win opportunities?  Do you aim to understand what matters to your fluffy little chick? Of course you do!  And this is one of the many things I love about you.
Comment below and tell me what you do when a power struggle erupts in your house.  What works for your family?  I can’t wait to hear!
xoxo,
Jen

P.S.  The gorgeous picture of Milena was taken by the very talented Kim Tsui, check out her photography here!

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3 Responses

  1. richelle says:

    So spot on Jen! My daughter was an extremely ‘spirited” child. She’s 24 now and still pretty much the same!
    xo
    rs

  2. Vivayne says:

    Wow, this is so my life, haha. Power struggle after power struggle. Lol.

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